Being October- Opportunity

So as per my previous post, I am an October.
It is really wonderful to be married although we have only been for a little while, we were dating for 6 years before marriage.
Which according to many seems to be forever.

The difference is, with marriage comes more opportunity.
More opportunities to be better than you were before, to make better choices, to change your routines, to give more of yourself.

If you never lived with your spouse before marriage, you are suddenly living with someone else and your space is no longer your own. Everything you do has to be done keeping your spouse in mind.

On Wednesday, I gave my testimony at community.
My life, how I grew up, how I came to know Jesus, my experiences, mistakes and who I am now.

This was the first time that I realized that I had grown up rather violently and that my childhood, although not all bad, had many painful moments.
My parent's, sister and friendship "stuff" has influenced my life and I am different now than I was before.
I cannot go back to being the same as before because God had restored and made me new, therefore I was moving forward into the new... I cannot be the same as before.

I have to decide daily to not live the life demonstrated to me as a child.

Since the day of our wedding (11 April 2015), I have decided to take everyday as an opportunity for change, challenge and growth.
I realise I have a choice in how to reACT, how to BEhave and to be RESPECTful towards Kurt.

I am no longer single, a one woman show, me, myself and I.
Everyday of my married life I am joined, connected and in covenant with my husband.
There is no out!!
If I am destructive and dont take each opportunity to be better, I will destroy my life and my husbands because he is a part of me.

This October has been given an opportunity to be great, live in fullness and finally feel like she is doing something pleasing to God.
Marriage is wonderful when you do it right, my husband makes my life really wonderful, easier, lovely and full.

What opportunities do you have to be better?
What are you doing to choose to do when things get tough?

Being October

I have attached a compilation of a few of my favourite wedding pictures, I hope they show you what our love looks like.

He knitted me together...

I find myself constantly reminded of just how incredible it is to be a child belonging to the KINGDOM OF GOD.

My little sister said to a while ago that she doesn't see why being Christian is so special.

She doesn't know why religion is so important.

I was quite taken back to be honest.

To me there is no greater joy than knowing I belong to a family, a kingdom, a church, a community.

Knowing that I belong to the King of all Kings and Lord of all Lords.

That each day He takes care of me and that I am so significant and important to Him that he would die for me.

I really wasn't sure how to respond so all I could say is that it's nice to know that I have someone to talk to, someone who cares for me, loves me and that I can always depend on.

I have someone that will never leave me.

(Although God is greater than just a 'someone')

I said that Christianity isn't about religion but about relationship.

She just gave me a 16 year old smirk.

I have since thought about just how well planned and thought out God has 'planned' and designed my life. For he knows my coming and going...He knows me.

I am knitted together in His image,  His design and everyday of my life is His.

Patterns

I have not been sure of what to write for a few weeks.
Like my imaginative fountain just dried up.

I Googled some great info on the moon, gravity, the sun and how they all influence the tide.
Although amazed at how awesome God made the world, I didn't feel captivated by the topic.
It wasn't heartfelt.

I started a new job last month, and the change in pattern overwhelmed me so much.
I didn't realize the amount of rushing, planning and meeting required.

I am so used to the patterns I have created in the past, that for the first two weeks I wasn't able to keep much food down and my tummy felt like a ball of nerves.
Luckily I am sort-of settled in.

The end of last year (2014), I started a pattern of having a few minutes with God daily.
These minutes soon became hours and I felt His love, grace and guidance with me daily.

Since beginning the new job, I have fallen out of this pattern.
I am not sure whether it is because the new job is less frustrating , that I pray less.
Perhaps I have just become lazy and given up.

This is however not right, it is definitely not being faithful.
Giving up my relationship with God when things get easier is so flaky and not very Christ-like.

I have noticed the difference being disconnected with God has made on my relationships.

As hard as I try, I cannot reflect Christ when I am not plugged into Him.
If I am distant from Him, I allow myself to be of this world because I cannot discern the difference between wrong and right as accurately.

This has made me re-evaluate my patterns, the ones I create that separate me from serving God the way I am meant to as well as look at what it is that I allow into my heart.

Our church elder mentioned this the other day:

Rat Poison is made to taste, smell and look like food, so to attract the rat.
Only after eating and digesting the poison does the rat realize that they have been poisoned.

How easy is it to see life in music, books and sermons etc. without knowing that it may be poisonous for us.
Often it is the well displayed efforts that are the most deceptive because we don't see the flaws in the message.

What are you allowing into your heart/ mind that is distracting you from your relationship with God?
What patterns have you created that don't allow time for Prayer and Fellowship?

Bethel Music- We Dance

I have been looking around for wedding songs for a long time and have come across really beautiful lyrics thus far.

I want a christian love song...if that is possible.

Anyhow, I just happened to listen to this song this morning and it captivated my heart not for the sake of wedding music, but just because its truly beautiful.

Its a gentle, trusting and kind song.
How we can dance with our Father and know that in Him there is no danger or fear.
He is pure and good, He will lead when all hope is lost or when we cannot go on anymore.

He is faithful and through him flows all things good and pure.

Take a listen and let me know what you think...

Bethel Music- We Dance

Memories

Have you ever taken time out and really thought about who you are?

The memories you have, the things you have gone through that make you who you are today.
The amount of times you fell in love for no reason and how that person, those people impacted your life, made you who you are today.

The love letters and the hours in the sun.
The way you used to dress, how you could find happiness in simpler things like, wearing a hoodie or staying up super late, laughing and enjoying the conversations you had about nothing.

How your heart would ache and want to explode all at the same time.

I often find myself looking back at who I was and who I am now.
How the choices I made without second thought are the ones I wish I could go back and re-evaluate.

Don't misunderstand.
I love who I am now and I know that God has taken me on an insane journey of growth and stretching...But sometimes I long for simple times, to much toasted cheese sandwiches and staying up late making Milo milkshakes.

Trials are good for you, you cannot stay in the same place forever but it would be nice to go back for a day and just enjoy the freedom of reliving the memory.

I also know without a doubt that God's plan is always the best one and although I wonder what may have been.
I know what is, who is and that I am lucky to be where I am now.

I am blessed and highly favoured.

Affection Challenged

The past few weeks, God has been seriously challenging me on the topic of
“Affection”.

Not just towards others but specifically towards my fiancé who is 2 months away from being my husband.

I must say though, I have never thought myself unaffectionate because I love deeply and I love to be around people.
I know that I am a bit careful when allowing anyone to see my raw, unmasked self.

I tend to protect myself very quickly and yes, I do reject love if it means weakness… sho!

Can you imagine the hurt and frustration this causes?

Woman, mothers, wives… we are called to be affectionate, strong, selfless, firm, kind and loving.

Last week Monday, I was having a great day, the day was flying by.

Kurt came to fetch me earlier than usual and as he walked in the door I was asked my least favourite question: “Charne, why don’t you kiss Kurt hello and goodbye? I never see you kiss him even though he drops and picks you up every day.”

I could feel the red, blank, angry cloud come and shade my heart and mind.

I wanted to scream: ‘Screw you’, but I did the opposite.
I acted as if I couldn't care less, like it was a big joke.
I played the perfect role of ‘I am who I am and I won’t change’.

I struggled, fought and basically defended myself with all my heart.

The truth is that I kiss Kurt all the time, we annoy one another with love sometimes and I did not have to defend myself… I do know who I am and I do not really have to explain myself to my work colleagues. My relationship is not theirs to criticize.

The pain of the topic hurt me so so badly, I felt so guilty that someone could possibly think that I was unaffectionate, that I was incapable of showing appreciation and love to my man.

I was so angry with Kurt that I tore him apart on the drive home, I wanted to know why he didn't defend my ‘honour’.

I was so so angry with myself that I could not stop crying.

(I cried from 17:00 until 20:00 that night)

I could not process this… being questioned, although innocently.

Why?
Why ask me this?

How God, how could someone ask me this?
I am loving and I am kind… I am…I know I am. No, I am.

I spent hours crying and convincing myself.

I locked God out of my heart and I didn't want Him to heal the pain because I wanted to soak until I was prune-like, I wanted to dwell on this pain.

I got home, showered and Kurt tried his best to treat me to salad at the beach.

I was so so stubborn.

I walked ahead of him.

I didn't want him to touch me.

I separated myself so far far away from him.
I just could not soften my heart.

We were almost at the beach and somehow… I just decided that if I continue… I am heading for destruction. 

I am going to destroy my fiancé.

Kurt took a hold of my hand, I let him…

I chose to open myself up and I sobbed, explained myself, fought for my life (again) and I am so lucky that Kurt listened.

He was patient and willing to listen, although I was sobbing so bad I am sure I made no sense.

God had to touch my heart in that moment because satan wanted me to die in this ditch of self destruction.

Kurt listened, listened, listened (haha) and then he spoke absolute truth. 

I am responsible ... I cannot blame others, parents and the past for my mistakes. 

If I am closed, cold or stubborn, I am so blame for my choice to be that way. 

EINA!! He was right.

God has not made us to be closed, cold and stubborn people.
He is not cold, closed or stubborn.. if I am made in His image... these things should not be in my heart.

I am thankful that I have a VERY VERY forgiving Father and a fiance that deserves only love, patience, affection and adoration. 

Kurt deserves a wife who is so dedicated to him that she dies to herself daily and forgets about her own anger and need to prove a point.

I woke up on Tuesday looking like I had been in a fist fight, bruised internally, fragile, puffy and very exhausted.

To think, a few weeks ago this was only a back-of-my-mind challenge.

God tested me, He knew that I need to be tested because through trials and head on confrontation - I could really deal with something that was a big issue in my life.

I have since become slightly more attentive to being more gentle, more loving and more affectionate to others...especially Kurt. 

I have a lot to learn, the Holy Spirit is teaching me day by day.

I have to die to my own pride and irritation daily now so that I can be the best person for Kurt, so that I can love him the way he deserves and OPEN myself up to his affection towards me.

Oceanic

I recently 'made up' this word for my Pinterest page- Oceanic
http://www.pinterest.com/charnecs/oceanic/

But I later (after Google assisted me) saw that 'Oceanic' is an old word used for anything relating to the ocean.
There are bands and boats named Oceanic too, but that is irrelevant to this post.

I love, love, love the ocean...like love :)
I love the colours, I love the waves, I love the shells and I love the sound it brings.
The ocean is so strong yet incredibly graceful and peaceful.
The wind always smells so refreshing and the waves give me such joy.

When I am angry, happy or sad... I love to sit where I can see the sea and it gives me new perspective.
Almost like I am seeing God's amazing creation and it speaks to me through being so effortlessly amazing and glorious.

The Bible says that if we are silent, the rocks will worship Him.
Even if you don't notice it, no matter how silent, there is always a sound associated with nature, the earth is constantly celebrating, praising, worshiping and whispering the name of Jesus.

‘The Waves and Wind Still Know His Name’

I'm not sure where this originated from for me, but I know I spent a lot of my childhood running on the beach in Melkbos, building sandcastles and splashing about.

Through the years, the ocean has always been a kind of window into the heart of God for my life.

Funny enough Melkbos is where Kurt and I have bought a place, our first home.

New Blog

Just to be honest, The previous post was intended for my previous blog Switch 2 Talk and I posted to this one instead.

I just felt that because this year is in fact a different one and I will be experiencing immeasurable growth, that I should start fresh.

I love the sea (post to follow) so I decided that instead of having a 'random' blog name... I should rather give it more of a personal feel.

Illimited
Not limited; interminable; (unlimited)

Tide
drift with or as if with the tide ; something that increases, decreases or fluctuates like the waters of a tide; a surge of emotion

Illimited Tide, sounds a lot more complicated and heart felt.
I think it will describe this blog perfectly.
- a bit messy, a bit of truth, some funny bits, experiences and just a general day in the life of a girl just learning as she goes.

2015...my I AM year

2015... this is my year

Ok, so I have been lost in a mad journey of life for about 6 months.
I haven't written and honestly I had no intention too but I decided that it is time... 

I am getting married to a wonderful guy in 2 months, I start a new job in 2.5 weeks and I think things are going relatively well.

Kurt and I have bought a place in Melkbos...oh how I love the sea.
Its our little slice of heaven..and we are going to enjoy it so.

We may take occupation 1 April 2015.

All the wedding planning is coming to an end, God has blessed Kurt and I with more than we could have EVER imagined and it feels like things are falling into place.

I thought to give this post the title of "2015...my I AM year"

My relationship with God over the past year has been an adventure of insane proportions and after a year (2014) of learning, being challenged and a lot of growth... I feel that this is a year that...

I am... 

Worthy

Talented

Enough, Valuable

Strong, Bold

The daughter of the MOST HIGH

Grateful

Loved, Loving, Caring

Different

Happy

Never alone

Who I am

Forgiven, Covered in Grace

Not afraid

Chosen

Blessed

Accepted

Redeemed

Necessarily

A part of the body

Set free

Fun, Funny, Delighted, Excited, Energetic, Joyful

Going to surprise you

Worship, Prayer

...

I am HIS