The past few weeks, God has been seriously challenging me on the topic of
“Affection”.
Not just towards others but specifically towards my fiancé who is 2 months away from being my husband.
I must say though, I have never thought myself unaffectionate because I love deeply and I love to be around people.
I know that I am a bit careful when allowing anyone to see my raw, unmasked self.
I tend to protect myself very quickly and yes, I do reject love if it means weakness… sho!
Can you imagine the hurt and frustration this causes?
Woman, mothers, wives… we are called to be affectionate, strong, selfless, firm, kind and loving.
Last week Monday, I was having a great day, the day was flying by.
Kurt came to fetch me earlier than usual and as he walked in the door I was asked my least favourite question: “Charne, why don’t you kiss Kurt hello and goodbye? I never see you kiss him even though he drops and picks you up every day.”
I could feel the red, blank, angry cloud come and shade my heart and mind.
I wanted to scream: ‘Screw you’, but I did the opposite.
I acted as if I couldn't care less, like it was a big joke.
I played the perfect role of ‘I am who I am and I won’t change’.
I struggled, fought and basically defended myself with all my heart.
The truth is that I kiss Kurt all the time, we annoy one another with love sometimes and I did not have to defend myself… I do know who I am and I do not really have to explain myself to my work colleagues. My relationship is not theirs to criticize.
The pain of the topic hurt me so so badly, I felt so guilty that someone could possibly think that I was unaffectionate, that I was incapable of showing appreciation and love to my man.
I was so angry with Kurt that I tore him apart on the drive home, I wanted to know why he didn't defend my ‘honour’.
I was so so angry with myself that I could not stop crying.
(I cried from 17:00 until 20:00 that night)
I could not process this… being questioned, although innocently.
Why?
Why ask me this?
How God, how could someone ask me this?
I am loving and I am kind… I am…I know I am. No, I am.
I spent hours crying and convincing myself.
I locked God out of my heart and I didn't want Him to heal the pain because I wanted to soak until I was prune-like, I wanted to dwell on this pain.
I got home, showered and Kurt tried his best to treat me to salad at the beach.
I was so so stubborn.
I walked ahead of him.
I didn't want him to touch me.
I separated myself so far far away from him.
I just could not soften my heart.
We were almost at the beach and somehow… I just decided that if I continue… I am heading for destruction.
I am going to destroy my fiancé.
Kurt took a hold of my hand, I let him…
I chose to open myself up and I sobbed, explained myself, fought for my life (again) and I am so lucky that Kurt listened.
He was patient and willing to listen, although I was sobbing so bad I am sure I made no sense.
God had to touch my heart in that moment because satan wanted me to die in this ditch of self destruction.
Kurt listened, listened, listened (haha) and then he spoke absolute truth.
I am responsible ... I cannot blame others, parents and the past for my mistakes.
If I am closed, cold or stubborn, I am so blame for my choice to be that way.
EINA!! He was right.
God has not made us to be closed, cold and stubborn people.
He is not cold, closed or stubborn.. if I am made in His image... these things should not be in my heart.
I am thankful that I have a VERY VERY forgiving Father and a fiance that deserves only love, patience, affection and adoration.
Kurt deserves a wife who is so dedicated to him that she dies to herself daily and forgets about her own anger and need to prove a point.
I woke up on Tuesday looking like I had been in a fist fight, bruised internally, fragile, puffy and very exhausted.
To think, a few weeks ago this was only a back-of-my-mind challenge.
God tested me, He knew that I need to be tested because through trials and head on confrontation - I could really deal with something that was a big issue in my life.
I have since become slightly more attentive to being more gentle, more loving and more affectionate to others...especially Kurt.
I have a lot to learn, the Holy Spirit is teaching me day by day.
I have to die to my own pride and irritation daily now so that I can be the best person for Kurt, so that I can love him the way he deserves and OPEN myself up to his affection towards me.
